18th times love

I wanted to write something long and meaningful today but couldn’t get myself to do it. Perhaps I was being too ambitious about the simplest thing. -.-". Perhaps. Mungkin.


Why am i writing this post?

----> well, sometimes people don’t need a reason to do what they want to do. At least not a solid one. They just need to believe that their action is right.

Be it family, friends, or partner; they are all 'lives'.The more we love them, the more it hurts. The more it hurts, the more we realize how much we love them.

kan? -_-

******

 

Ada sesetengah orang,
yang kita terlalu sayang,
hingga ketandusan perkataan untuk dizahirkan,

              - WA-

                                                Bagi aku, kamu berdua orang itu.
                                      You know who you are and you know I love you.


Boys,

I'm sorry that i took a long time to create the wordings. I just want you guys to know that : because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have.

(Ding-dong): Kakak truly appreciate you for sticking around,for not leaving me (yet) and for accepting millions of my flaws (and still counting). hahaha

(Naemo): Just in case one day things change between us, regardless whose fault…do know that I’m truly sorry.



Well, Its 18th time(s) love again. HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAYY, DARLINGS!


Love,

Kakak.

Cinta

Bismillahirahmanirrahim.

Ya Allah,
this heartbreak has been going on for too long.

My love for that particular servant of yours: is very real. With all my 23years-ageing-heart and it shrink-ed the liver whenever I think of him. I was/ am never a woman with  lovely gestures but the love we had once completed me. I am sorry he did not felt the same way. I failed before it could ever resume. 

I understand how far it is more difficult to forgive myself than to forgive others. What I felt in my previous relationships was real. Even when I was a dumber, my feelings were real.

To lose a partner at this age when all possible future together had been designed in my head, is greatly painful. At this age, I don’t want romantic dinner at fancy restaurant or go strolling at the mall anymore. At this age, I just want a place that makes me feel like I am truly belong. Like he is made to hold me.

Memories rolling in my mind like a film reel. It all happened too sudden, too simple. Just how effortless YOU lends and takes. How thin this lifeline is.So I stopped and syahadah. Astaghfirullah.

Ya Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim,

I am still learning on life and love.  I know, the only way that could keep me going is by having faith. I believe YOU. Telling myself that one day, there will be 'him' for me. All I need to do now is move forward, although falling between time and places will come in between. I loved him. I love him. and really really do. Please guide me to overcome the heartbreaking moments. I believe in your power of healing and everything that has been secretively written. Nothing that I am begging, except for a courage to become stronger.

YOU are forever just and fair.

Please grant my du'a. Make him happier with his future choice. Ikhlas.Ikhlas.Ikhlas. Ameen.

****************

"Allah Maha Tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kau sekalipun ia menghancurkan kau."
                                                                                                                   -wnrd-









I am letting go now.

Before tomorrow .

It has been stretched since the last time I tapped the keyboard. Alas, many of the entries have been deleted not due to obstruction or bizzare perceptions. I just thought they are not worth re-impressed.

I miss writing. And, I miss reading.

17:00

Shared Service Room

Acc & Finance

Total days before official resignation: 1

Damansara Perdana

Today I was simply clueless of what to write. I knew I wanted to write my mind expressively, but I didn’t know what line it should start with. The fact that I had so many stories in my list didn’t help either. I was too unwell to make a decision, and I am a picky person. Somehow this week; everything was consuming too much of my energy and emotions.

 It was something I couldn’t understand but I was nonetheless, grateful, for all presences and generous share of such inspiring experiences.

Some of my all time fav quote from Kak Wani:

" Sabar boleh jadi benda paling payah.
Ada masa dia jadi benda yang kita dengar pun dah benci.
Tapi itulah satu-satu jaring yang pegang kita dari jatuh gaung.
Tak ada dia kita boleh mati "


"Kalau awak rasa minda awak sudah berfikir terlalu luas hingga meresahkan hati, kecilkan.

I think life is already complicated. I believe it’s our job (and challenge) to simplify."

" Masa kita dalam perut lagi Allah dah sediakan susu. Sebelum kita ada, rezeki dah ada dulu. Jadi jangan kata "takda rezeki". Rezeki ada, cuma kita kena cari. :) "

------.


Heeeessh. My heart crumbled like it was a baby itself.I was too much of a young youth to fully digest what my career and love life had clarified. Discovering the reality of my decision at that split second was like the death of my imaginary career and wedding which I secretly fantasized since I was nine. I tried my very damn best not to weep while on the phone with mak as every word I recited was a slap to my face.


 So yes- at that moment, every word of RESIGN was new to me and hard on me. I fell in love with heavy loads of materials, unorganized schedules,late night assignments, jammed timing of moving the entire vault to the 3rd floor, invoices, payment chase control, receipt claims, after-office lepak, etc etc.


God, Thank You for lending me those good people for 2 months.



I peeked at bapak and mak's pictures on facebook. It’s amazing the amount of shit you could actually carry when the person you love believes in you wholeheartedly. My chest felt heavy. My nose was about to produce some liquid which my eyes were refusing. I kept on writing yet repressing my feelings. True. Allah never leaves me (or you) with nothing.

                                                                   commence date: 1/8/2011.

There was once when I think I'm screwed but God has mapped out the perfect plan for me. InsyaAllah. My decisions, though very much flawed, are made for a reason. I’m writing this for a reason.

**Semoga Sime Darby akan yakinkan saya bahawa hidup ini process belajar yang tak akan mati.

More than anything.

Remember when i was that tiny and u often bugged me with " Sayang kat mak macam mana? "

my answer would always be:

I love you bigger than laut.
I love you more than money
I love you more than spring, autumn or winter snow in Europe.
I love you more than me.


For,
Mummy; who is now in Siem Riep Cambodia
Lets just hope the Cambodia trip will tighten her heart and smooth-en the crinkled liaison. InsyaAllah.


HAPPY MUMMY"S DAY :)

._.

i am so scared that i have too little time to remodel myself.

alas, i feel like hijacking all  clocks available in the world!    .dang.